You might be exploitative. (It's definitely cliche at this point, but an unpaid mercenary having his jersey sold in the school bookstore for $100 is beyond gross. Yes, we can talk about a scholarship, which we often hear is invaluable. But not everyone feels that way, including many of the players on current FBS rosters. They are in school to do one thing: Play football. That's it. A four-year ride means almost nothing to them. If that's disappointing or those aren't your values, it doesn't matter. You can't tell others what they should value).
You might be run (poorly) by self-entitled a-holes. (Read this about NCAA President Mark Emmert. Or watch Big 12 Commissioner Bob Bowlsby get backed into a corner after he tried to apply some batshit insane economic philosophy to college athletics).
And, increasingly, it's also becoming clear that you might be almost inhumanely violent. (Data is starting to pour in that seems to confirm what many have long suspected: If you play football at a high level, your quality of life will deteriorate more rapidly and you will die earlier than had you never played at all).
But, fuck, you are awesome.
It's been 234 days since the BCS National Title Game, which means it's been a terrible 234 days. We've been MIA for even longer, having last shown up in this space at the end of January. But we have a 14-month old child, and those are terrible, life-ruining little people who have no regard for anyone else's time but their own. College Football's excuse for being gone so long isn't nearly as good.
Here are a few things that have happened in our absence:
- Ian Poulter sent out this heartbreaking tweet. As a parent, my heart really goes out to his family. No one should have to endure that.
- We learned that the NFL would rather its players beat their wives than do Ecstasy or drink beer.
- Tiger Woods convinced everyone that he had back surgery. To be clear, Tiger Woods did not have back surgery. We'll believe it when we see the scar. He's an inveterate liar who's incapable experiencing one genuine moment, so forgive us if we suspect his honesty. The only thing that was scarred was his ego.
- Tiger Woods scapegoated his swing coach, releasing a statement on a Monday morning saying that he had parted ways with instructor Sean Foley, an obvious PR ploy to maximize eyeballs and say, 'Look, it was this dude. I had nothing to do with it, and everyone should know that.'
- Gregg Doyel wrote this story. It's great. Seriously.
- ESPN Replaced Brent Musberger with Chris Fowler on its primetime telecasts. The Playhouse digs Fowler. A supremely talented on-site host, he's remarkably well prepared and is one of the reasons that GameDay has been must-see TV every Saturday morning for over a decade. But he's not Brent Musberger, who has shifted to the SEC Network to call games with Jesse Palmer. No one is. Gamblers, of course, are naturally inclined to love him, because he always injects a slice of Vegas into the games he's covering. But beyond that, if you're older than 35, Musberger and Keith Jackson were the voices of college football growing up. Now, one is gone and the other has been relegated to a much smaller stage. It sucks.
- Steven A. Smith actually said that women need to stop inciting their own beatings.
- Donald Sterling racist ramblings to his girlfriend (escort) were terrible but not surprising. If you knew anything about Sterling, his words were entirely predictable. But they produced these guys, who are awesome, so something good came out of it.
- Tony Gwynn, one of the best baseball players of our generation died, and MLB and Fox Sports didn't care. During the All Star Game broadcast in July, they carved out three hours to stroke Derek Jeter's cock but not a single fucking minute to honor Gwynn, who was twice the player.
- The Florida State University Sports Information Director green lighted a Jameis Winston Twitter Q&A (#AskJameis), and holy shit was it a bad idea. Some of the best tweets can be found here, here and here.
- Jim Irsay was pulled over loaded out of his mind. In his car, authorities found 'numerous prescription medication bottles containing pills' and nearly $30,000 in cash. He's an owner, so he's not a thug, he merely has a problem and everyone should be sympathetic.
- After it was revealed that four of his players were being investigated for academic fraud (nearly every FSB football player engages in some sort of academic fraud) Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly said: 'We hold our players to a very high standard here at Notre Dame; I believe Notre Dame to be vigilant on that end. We don’t say one thing and do the other. I’m proud of Notre Dame and the way that they act. We don’t look the other way.' Good one. Go fuck yourself, coach.
- JFF gave the Redskins sideline the bird during a preseason game. It was believed to be the first time the gesture was made in public. It was outrageous and he'll never amount to anything because of it.
- LeBron went home. It's a good story. We like LeBron and are looking forward to opening night when he takes the floor in Cleveland, once again wearing a Cavalier jersey. But if Chris Bosh were a top-tier player and Dwyane Wade's skills weren't in rapid decline, LeBron is still in Miami. The Heat are flawed. That, more than anything, is why he bailed on South Beach.
- USC CB Josh Shaw told the most shameless lie ever to cover up two ankle injuries. Full details have yet to emerge, but there's no question that they involve liquor and a woman. Never trust a big butt and smile.
- Sports Illustrated featured Russell Wilson's cock on one of its regional covers this week. Even without Russ' bulge staring right at you, it's still a weird cover.
- People freaked out because Michael Sam kissed his boyfriend on live TV during the draft. If you don't like gay people and don't want to be around them, you should move to Iran. This is the world we live in. Get used to it.
- The whole World Cup thing happened again, and it was awful. Again.
- A Denver Post writer penned perhaps the worst game story ever after Denver beat Seattle in the first preseason game of the year earlier this month. This gem is the best: "At the very least, the Broncos may have proved to themselves, if not quite the rest of the NFL, that the 43-8 whipping they took from the Seahawks back in February was somewhat fluky." Absolutely not.
Super Play of the Day
A quick editorial note, these were awesome in 2012. We were light outs. But like we said, there's a 14-month old monster in the house now, so everything went to shit last year, when he was even younger and even more of a monster. We'd be happy just breaking even this season. Nothing like the burden of lofty expectations.
Bowling Green -7
other play
Louisiana Monroe -2
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